I don’t think I’ve ever loved myself in a way that feels so consistent, reliable and reassuring.
Self-love has been a theme in my life yes, but it’s presence always temporary. Choosing to appear in my life as it wishes, leaving my life as it feels. It’s airy, feather-like presence that’s largely gone unnoticed till now.
I left my bed really late today (and still managed to send my caption options from my mobile. And yes, I can work anywhere without compromising the quality of my work. Just felt like saying that) and made breakfast — plain cornflakes with milk and raisins. I hadn’t made that breakfast combi in a long time. I suddenly felt so happy. Maybe some of the dialogue and scenes in White Lines that I was watching in bed earlier had made me look inwards.
What does it MEAN to love myself? You see, these lists, ideas, books, movies, quotes and whatnot in the name of embracing self-love — they’re amazing. What I think they’re trying to do is gently nudge us in the right direction when we’re at a crossroad. They give us ideas, so that we can draw on our subconscious when the time comes.
But see, we’re unwittingly measuring love by ideas, lists — you know tangible things.
We shouldn’t forget love is a feeling. Intangible, confusing and sometimes frustrating. Love is a feeling.
To really know if you’re loving yourself the right way, you’ve to feel it. You are your own barometer of self-love, not the Internet that bombards you with 20 self-care sunday ideas. Not the books that explain how many ways there are to care for yourself.
I felt love for myself today. It feels strange and weird to talk about it. But yes I felt like I was loved. And I’m still being loved. The feeling hasn’t vanished. It started at 11AM and it’s still going strong.
Perhaps it’s to do with the fact I made something I felt incredibly happy to eat. Or the fact I stayed in a bed an extra three hours after waking up. Or that I tidied both rooms in record speed. Or made someone at work happy with an early work submission. It’s a combination of things and more.
But I know for a fact I’ve never loved myself properly… since I was 10? 11? I never faced my demons, and instead buried them with after-school activities, non-school pursuits, hobbies and competitions. And then for a period of time — boys. Not men. Boys.
Gotta find myself amidst the rubble.